How did we get here?

Blake and I have now been happily married for 4 years and 4 months. After we had been married for almost 2 years we started "trying" or at least not trying not to have children. We married at age 33 (for both of us, we are just a few months apart). We knew darn well that we were not spring chickens!

So this going about our business not trying not to went on for a year or so. Then my OB-GYN says "well, we aren't in a huge hurry but we can't exactly take our time either." By the way, I LOVE my OB-GYN. Her name is Julie Farrow and she currently practices in Plano. I was one of her first patients when she first began to practice. She has helped me with so many things that I dare never to talk about. I'll just say that I have paid to see her when my insurance would only cover other providers.

Back to my story...she wants me to take Clomid to make me hyper ovulate so there are more eggs that way we have a better chance of one of them being fertilized. At the same time she suggests that Blake go ahead and get checked out. One of the easiest things to do is rule out a fertility issue with the male.

So, my annual was in January and she wants me to take Clomid coordinating with my period (I forget the exact time frame, this was a while back), meanwhile Blake goes for fertility testing.

This is a REALLY fun part of the story. He goes into our family practitioner to get a referral. Gets said referral and goes to that doctor. They give him all sorts of hell about why is he there and we have to fill out paperwork to become "clients" of this doctor before they can test his sperm. (seriously like 24 pages of paperwork a piece...that, by the way, is nothing compared to the paper work that goes into adoption) So he goes back to family practitioner, on to next referral. Keep in mind that this "squirt in a cup" test is not something Blake really wants to do anyway.

Now it is February and the "timing" is right, we have yet to hear the results from Blake's fun test so I go ahead and take the Clomid and some other hormone that is supposed to help this situation...if you know me, more hormones is the LAST thing I need.

It was February 14, 2007 and we are having a lovely steak dinner and I can tell there is something wrong with Blake. I ask, and ask...nothing. Finally I am making some comment about some friends we know who at that point had chosen not to have children and he says "Well, we won't have to worry about that because I am impotent."

Happy Valentines Day!

It was a very emotional time for us...especially with me all pumped up with additional hormones. Blake seemed to think I would need to leave him because having children was so important to me...not just to me I say, but to US! I ended up sitting in his lap crying telling him that when I took my wedding vows I did not say "for richer, or poorer, in sickness and in health as long as we can have babies". "This is the 'sickness' part. We will find out what our options are." This night is the first time I suggest adoption. I knew this was what I wanted even then. Blake said I would want "my own baby". "It would be our baby" I say, and we would be helping someone else in the process and giving a baby who needs a family and home a VERY good one. I said something to that effect.

Blake underwent more tests (that we are still paying for...they charge ungodly amounts of $$$ to do fertility testing) and we came to find out that he had low motility (slow swimmers) and low sperm count. But we could, in fact, have children through in vitro with ICSI.

http://www.ivf.com/ivffaq.html

Take sperm from Blake, eggs from me, implant them in my uterus and see what happens. (kind of like the ocotomom only I would NEVER have 8 babies)

This is when we must become patients of the previously mentioned 24 page a person packet Doctors. They are a husband and wife endocrinologists/fertility specialist team in Bedford. My family practitioner is not really of fan of theirs but they have a good reputation. We end up choosing their partner (honestly not a big fan of her either so I'll not mention any ones names here). They do a sonogram to look at my ovaries. Everything looks normal. Now we are in fall 2008. They want me to get back on Birth Control so control my ovulation (so no placebos) and when we are ready we will go for it. We decide to choose January for my possible fertilization date. We go in they want us to take some blood tests to make sure everything is a go and we will move forward the next day. We get a call telling us that my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) is at 27 which was way too high. They want me to go off the pill wait for my next period and take another blood test on day 2.

Let me explain. I had been through this on the pill, off the pill game before. My body does NOT respond well. Hormones...I told you. I get hot flashes, mood swings, the works. Ask Blake, it is swell. So now we wait. We wait for 4 months. On April 17th our wait ended...only to find out that my FSH level was still too high it was at a 12 and they like for it to be 10 and below on day two blah, blah, blah. I am diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. Yeah me! Perhaps the hot flashes, etc., should have been a clue to me.

I should tell you here that in January we began to discuss adoption again. Blake said lets just try both! We want more than one child anyway. We applied to a local adoption agency that rhymes with Sadney. On their initial application it asks if you have finished exploring fertility options and if that became an avenue to parenthood would you continue to pursue it. We responded honestly with a "yes". We were declined because of that. Blake was SOOO pissed. All that we had endured and now this. What a blow. But I wasn't bitter. Nu-uh. I just think they suck. They suck and they can suck IT.

We ended up talking with another agency called the Adoption Network Law Center. It was founded by so individuals much like us who had to go through all of the "fun" one must endure to travel down that road that takes them to their someday baby. A kind of one-stop shop for adoption. That is who we ended up going with. We wrote our first check to them on June 18, 2007.

http://www.adoptionnetwork.com/

Obviously it all happened pretty quickly from there. We did the home visit part of our home study in August, it was complete on August 28th and at ANLC by September 4th. We were matched with Lori officially on September 30, 2008!

It is ANLC who has helped lead us to this point where Lori found us and we anxiously await the arrival of Emory Reese Wright. Our very own someday baby. Only 3 weeks and 3 days left to go!!! Can you believe it?

So much to say...

I have so many things I want to write about. The baby showers we have had, our "how we got here" story, all of my anxiety, and then of course all my usual "this is what I think about what is happening at this moment" type of information.
I will get to all of that in posts to come. First I want to share with all of you about a precious gift I received for Christmas. Both of my sisters gave me Christmas presents for Emory (this was back before we had finished the name game). My middle sister gave me the coolest thing. It is a very cozy blanket that is baby blue and made of thin fleece...kind of like polar fleece, a la Old Navy. On this blanket is written many statements kind of "on behalf of Emory". It is written in a kid hand writing type font. The statements are as follows.

The whole world welcomes my arrival * I sleep peacefully and with ease * I am filled with unlimited possibilities * I am loved * I am healthy, happy and strong * I am cherished * I am a bright light in the world * I have joined my perfect family * I am held by loving hands * What a gift I am * I am unique * I am a bundle of joy * I am perfect * My future is bright * I am safe and protected * I am peaceful and calm * I am nurtured and cared for * I am adored * I am surrounded by love and tender care * I am a true miracle

It is almost as if it were written just for Emory! Of course my favorite line I have bolded and italicized. It is called an Affirmawrap. They have a website. http://www.affirmagy.com/

More to come ASAP. I promise!

Waiting

As the day when Emory will arrive draws nearer, we are left with the waiting.

Poor Lori. I know she must be completely miserable. All I want to do is go and help her. How could I not want to? I mean, what an incredible thing she is doing. Doing for us. Doing for Emory.

I have a good friend who has helped me so much throughout this entire process and journey. She and her husband recently adopted a beautiful baby girl. I could not have made it through without her. (thank you Francesca) She has helped me get ready for things that I didn't know were coming and face things other people cannot possibly begin to fathom.

Francesca, I don't think I even told you about this one...Blake and I went to register at Babies R Us. We sit down at the registry desk. We tell the lady that we need to register and ask for the paperwork, scan gun, etc. "The baby's mother will need to be present for you to create a registry." she says.

"I am the baby's mother." I reply (you stupid B, I would have liked to have added)...what, does she think the father is there trying to create a registry with his mistress or current wife attempting to leave the poor mom out of the loop???

"Oh, okay." she says.

Now she didn't make a huge deal out of it. Surely they encounter couples who are adopting creating registries???

This is just one little gems I've been faced with and I know there will be more to come.

My first shower is this weekend. I am so excited, yet there is a part of me that worries if people will be upset or find it inappropriate to "shower" me in fear of the adoption falling through.

Francesca has been preparing me for what no one else can. What will happen after the baby is born. She knows how much I love Lori. She knows because she loves her child's birthmom the same way.

There is no way not to love someone who is doing something so incredible for you and GIVING you the family you have been wanting and dreaming of for so long. Then you take into account what happens when the on the rare occasion you develop a strong relationship with your birthmom. You all have read how I feel about Lori.

I have to prepare myself for how I will feel when we get Emory. How Lori will feel. I know it will be a very emotional time. I know she wants us to be his parents but it worries me how she will handle the separation from the baby she has carried for nine months. She cannot help but grieve. The very last thing I want is to inflict ANY type of pain upon this person who is done something so incredible for us. I want to help her and protect her. She has already been through so much.

I know we will be so happy finally meeting our precious little guy and just being with him. Yet I know I will be hurting for her. Grief can be so overwhelming. I know she will be happy to get back to her life and once again be able to enjoy all of the "perks" of being a college student.

Lori, know that no matter how you are feeling you can talk to me and to us. I want you to know how VERY much we love you and want you to be happy. We will love Emory with every fiber of our being and he will always know what a wonderful, spectacularly unselfish person you are.