Decisions

As I asked a blog or so ago...How does one decide what to wear to meet the birth mother of one's someday baby?

It just so happens that Blake and I had to make this very decision not too long ago. You see about a month ago we received another "You have been selected" call. We were told it was an emergency situation. There was a healthy baby born in Texas that had to go home the following morning. We had to make the decision that night (I got the call about 9:00 p.m.) as to whether or not we would accept this child.

It was a Tuesday night. For those of you who know Blake realize that is a football game night (along with Monday and Friday). The adoption agency reached him by phone first...well now that I write that, it wasn't actually Blake that answered but one of his friends he coaches with. Blake was driving the bus filled with 7th or 8th grade (ahem) athletes. As the coach friend explained to the adoption consultant, "Well ma'am he can't speak with you right now. It is illegal to talk on a cell phone while driving a bus." Who knew, right?? But it does make good sense.

Here I am frantic thinking about making this life altering decision and Blake can't talk to me because he is driving a bus. And so my life as a mother during football season flashes before my eyes.

The baby is sick...Blake is driving a bus. The baby is hungry...Blake is at a football game. The baby-well you get the picture.

I honestly am terrified of football season motherhood. So much so I considered saying no to accepting this child. How selfish is that.

Blake got his buddy to help cover for him and he was able to come home early. By 11:30 we had decided to accept the baby and spoken with the birth mom on the phone. She and the baby were in a hospital not far from us in Dallas.

We were told to get to the hospital by 9:00 the following morning, which is not an easy task during DFW rush hour traffic. We were to bring our identification and our social security cards.

We set our alarms after calling our immediate family members sharing the potentially good news. "If we don't call and tell them, everybody will be really pissed," I said.

The mother had gone into labor a month early and had previously contacted the adoption agency but had yet to complete all the paperwork, etc. They have to get all of that done prior to contacting an adoptive couple. So we knew there was a chance, just as there is now with Lori, that the birth mom would decide to parent the child herself. That, in fact, is exactly what happened.


We woke up in plenty of time. I was a complete and total wreck. We chose our "meet your birth mom/new baby outfits". We looked very dapper if I do say so myself. We even managed to match one another a bit without meaning to. We both wore exceptionally cute shirts we had recently purchased on tax-free weekend at Banana Republic. I wore some equally cute dark jeans I got there as well...not sure what Blake wore as pants...jeans I want to say. Here is a picture of the same shirts worn on a different occasion.

I was a complete wreck. I forgot to grab our social security cards (Blake got them). I left all of the information about the birth mom at our house, including the directions to the hospital, her room number, the phone number of the adoption lawyer whom we were to call after our meeting to come "handle" everything, and of course my iPhone. So there goes our GPS too. Luckily we had Blake's phone and we were able to call back the adoption consultant to get all of the info regarding the birth mom, hospital, etc. We called Blake's sister to get directions to the hospital.

We arrive and go up to the maternity floor. We tell the nurses that we are potential adoptive parents for this woman's baby. Have you ever been looked at as if you are a vulture? Because we have..."They just took the baby into her. She is VERY upset," says the nurse.

"Well maybe we can make her feel better" said Blake.

We knock on the hospital room door. "Come in."

We go in and there this 31 year old woman holding her baby sobbing. We ask if she'd like some more time alone with the baby. She says yes. We tell her just to let the nurses know when she is ready for us to come back in.

So we sit and we wait. About 20-30 LONG minutes later the nurse come and tell us that she is ready for us to come in.

We walk in to the room and proceed to talk with her for about and hour and a half. The whole time the baby is there with us. He is a very handsome baby. Of course we couldn't really tell you much about what he looked like. It is very odd to meet someone for the sole purpose of maybe becoming the parents of their child. Do you look at the baby? How interested should you act in the baby? In her?? You don't want it to seem as though you might run out of the room at any moment with the baby but don't want to seem indifferent either. She asked me if I wanted to hold the baby...what kind of a question is that? Of course I wanted to hold the baby. And stare at the baby. But I can't. I have to remain neutral. We cannot seem too desperate and at the same time have to be respectful of her and her feelings. Of course the baby cries almost the entire time I am holding him.

Because she had given birth early and not completed her paperwork she had already spent 2 days with the baby.

Toward the end of our visit one of her friends comes in. She has been telling us about him and how he has been helping her "get her life together". Oh yes, she is a stripper. Also, she has no home. At that time she actually was living with a girlfriend and helping take care of her little girl...at budgetsuites.com.

Her friend tells us how sorry he is to interrupt and explains how he was supposed to arrive before we got there (yet we had already been there for about an hour-and she knew what time we were coming). "I just pawned a whole bunch of shit and I've got about 20 thousand dollars so you don't have to give away your baby." And then, once again, apologizes to us profusely.

I offered to give them some time to speak alone. He declines, but she says okay so we go out and wait once again.

Eventually the social workers from the hospital come out an tell us that she is just not ready to make a decision.

Very obviously we did not end up adopting this baby. It just wasn't meant to be. That baby was not our baby.

As that day went on we exchanged multiple phone calls with the adoption agency waiting to see if she had made any decisions. They told us the baby was to stay another day and she may make a choice during that time but for us not to plan on it. Just to go on about our lives.

Oh, okay...so I don't need to begin my maternity leave tomorrow.

What a huge emotional roller coaster.

These are the risks you expose yourself to when adopting. The solace we were given is that at least we didn't go through the birth mother's pregnancy getting to know her and supporting her emotionally and financially for her to ultimately decide to parent the child...because that can happen too.

As I said earlier, Lori could still make that choice. I suppose it could be compared to a mother having a miscarriage during her pregnancy.


We don't think that will happen. We believe that Lori is making these choices for all of the right reasons. She wants to build the strongest relationship possible with us for the benefit of the baby.

We are enjoying getting to know her and find her to be a very sweet and savvy young lady. We will travel to meet her in person November the 8th and 9th. We are even considering inviting her to spend Thanksgiving with us so she can see the life the baby will have and give her a chance to meet our families (perhaps we should hire some actors). Just kidding. Lots of our family read this. We love them and know they love us too. We are very thankful for the unending support we have received from them. We truly would not be able to do this without them.

Oh yes, today was the day. Lori had her ultra sound...IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!

What kind of baby?

This just in...I talked to Lori last night and she told me that on Tuesday October the 28th she has a doctors appointment and she will find out if it is a boy or a girl!!!! Yea!!

Our Birth Mom

Now for more information about our birth mom...Blake said we should just refer to her as our B.M. but I said "no way, don't you know what that stands for??" He didn't, or at least did not associate it with our situation. Hmmmmm.

I would love to post a picture of her because she is so SUPER CUTE, but want to respect her privacy. Perhaps after we get to know her better I will have the courage to tell her about my blog and she can decide what information I share via posts. Until then you will only get the broad strokes...



Her name is Lori. She is 19 years old. She lives in a state that is definately part of the south and borders Texas. She is attending college at a small state school there. We were her 1st choice as adoptive parents for her baby. When asked why she chose us she responded because we included our dogs (Sam and D.J.) in our pictures on our webpage and talked about them in our "Dear Birthmother letter". She is going to school to become a vet. Also, it looks as though we go on alot of vacations and it is important to her that her child be able to experience that.

Her father passed away when she was 4 years old and her mother when she was 14. She lived with a guardian that was choosen by her mother from the time of her mother's death until she was emancipated at age 16. Needless to say this young lady has had her share of heartache.

All of that being said, we could not be more impressed with the maturity and selflessness she possesses. Never mind the whole "carrying a baby for 9 months and placing it with a family you know can provide a better life for it than you can right now" thing. In some open adoptions the birth parent(s) continue a relationship with the adoptive parents and the adoptive child post placement...so after the baby goes home with the adoptive mommy & daddy. Our adoption consultant, Tammy (who by the way has been incredible), mentioned that Lori wanted pictures and updates on the child every couple of months for the first two years and 2 times a year every years thereafter. That was no problem. I would find it strange if a birth mother didn't want something similar to that. She also to be able to see the baby post placement...well, we assumed that she meant one time. Not so. She meant ongoing...this is just not something we are open to.

Because that was something she wanted and we were not open to, Tammy (adoption consultant) had to call and offer to her to find other adoptive parents that would be more open to post placement visits.

Get this. Lori said "They are my 1st choice and if this is the only thing that we do not agree on and it is something I want it would be selfish of me to pick other parents because of something I want." WOW! Now I don't know about you guys but we were very impressed with this...particularly coming form a 19 year old. A 19 year old girl obviously wise beyond her years. In her paper work she states that she wants to pursue her dreams of becoming a vet and wants her child to grow up with TWO parents because she was unable to do so.

Lori is due on March 17th (or 19th or 20th, we've heard several dates; I like the 17th). So right now she is 18 weeks pregnant. She describes herself as having wavy blond hair, green eyes and olive skin. Lori says that she is a "jeans & t-shirt girl". She describes herself as being fun loving, ambitious, energetic, HONEST (she wrote it in all caps), blunt, very friendly, never met a stranger and talkative...Who does that sound like?? She is 5'1" (not everyone has to be tall Blake) and the birth father is 6'. Blake and I had the pleasure of speaking on the phone with her for about an hour and a half last Friday night. Currently we are making plans to go and meet her in person.

This bring up an interesting question. What does one wear to meet the birth mother of one's child (or someday baby)? We will let you know...

You've been selected!

So this is what they tell you when you receive a phone call from your adoption agency telling you that a birth mother has chosen you to be the adoptive parents of her unborn child. Crazy, right?? A few months ago all of this being "selected", "open adoption", and "communicating with the birth mom" was so very foreign to us.

To talk about any of it sounds completely outrageous...I mean seriously. They pick you. You actually have to "market" yourselves to birth mothers. Apparently we are a pretty cute couple, the husband and I. From our very first talk with a representative from our adoption agency we were told, "our birth mothers just LOVE teachers"...well hallelujah. We did something right. We chose the correct profession.

You know, once you get to the point of considering adoption as your route to parenthood, generally you have already been met with a great deal of heartache. You feel like a big fat failure. You spend all of that time trying not to get pregnant then when you want to, well you know...

Of course there are couples out there that have no fertility issues and just want to adopt to begin or expand their family. That's great. I admire them. They are fantastic people...it is just not how we envisioned our family beginning...with a phone call telling us "You've been selected".

If I sound bitter it is just because this is all so cathartic, the blogging.

I am excited. We are excited. Excited to become parents. Excited that we were "selected". Excited to meet our birth mom. And, most of all, excited to meet our "someday baby". That is how I like to refer to the little bugger. And I mean that with all the love in the world. Our "someday baby" is the baby God has chosen for us. The birth mom is just His messenger and kind of delivery person, if you will.

More later on how we got to this point but for now you know we "have been selected" (imagine a deep authoritative voice that echoes saying it)...it sounds more important that way...and trust me it is VERY important!