Decisions

As I asked a blog or so ago...How does one decide what to wear to meet the birth mother of one's someday baby?

It just so happens that Blake and I had to make this very decision not too long ago. You see about a month ago we received another "You have been selected" call. We were told it was an emergency situation. There was a healthy baby born in Texas that had to go home the following morning. We had to make the decision that night (I got the call about 9:00 p.m.) as to whether or not we would accept this child.

It was a Tuesday night. For those of you who know Blake realize that is a football game night (along with Monday and Friday). The adoption agency reached him by phone first...well now that I write that, it wasn't actually Blake that answered but one of his friends he coaches with. Blake was driving the bus filled with 7th or 8th grade (ahem) athletes. As the coach friend explained to the adoption consultant, "Well ma'am he can't speak with you right now. It is illegal to talk on a cell phone while driving a bus." Who knew, right?? But it does make good sense.

Here I am frantic thinking about making this life altering decision and Blake can't talk to me because he is driving a bus. And so my life as a mother during football season flashes before my eyes.

The baby is sick...Blake is driving a bus. The baby is hungry...Blake is at a football game. The baby-well you get the picture.

I honestly am terrified of football season motherhood. So much so I considered saying no to accepting this child. How selfish is that.

Blake got his buddy to help cover for him and he was able to come home early. By 11:30 we had decided to accept the baby and spoken with the birth mom on the phone. She and the baby were in a hospital not far from us in Dallas.

We were told to get to the hospital by 9:00 the following morning, which is not an easy task during DFW rush hour traffic. We were to bring our identification and our social security cards.

We set our alarms after calling our immediate family members sharing the potentially good news. "If we don't call and tell them, everybody will be really pissed," I said.

The mother had gone into labor a month early and had previously contacted the adoption agency but had yet to complete all the paperwork, etc. They have to get all of that done prior to contacting an adoptive couple. So we knew there was a chance, just as there is now with Lori, that the birth mom would decide to parent the child herself. That, in fact, is exactly what happened.


We woke up in plenty of time. I was a complete and total wreck. We chose our "meet your birth mom/new baby outfits". We looked very dapper if I do say so myself. We even managed to match one another a bit without meaning to. We both wore exceptionally cute shirts we had recently purchased on tax-free weekend at Banana Republic. I wore some equally cute dark jeans I got there as well...not sure what Blake wore as pants...jeans I want to say. Here is a picture of the same shirts worn on a different occasion.

I was a complete wreck. I forgot to grab our social security cards (Blake got them). I left all of the information about the birth mom at our house, including the directions to the hospital, her room number, the phone number of the adoption lawyer whom we were to call after our meeting to come "handle" everything, and of course my iPhone. So there goes our GPS too. Luckily we had Blake's phone and we were able to call back the adoption consultant to get all of the info regarding the birth mom, hospital, etc. We called Blake's sister to get directions to the hospital.

We arrive and go up to the maternity floor. We tell the nurses that we are potential adoptive parents for this woman's baby. Have you ever been looked at as if you are a vulture? Because we have..."They just took the baby into her. She is VERY upset," says the nurse.

"Well maybe we can make her feel better" said Blake.

We knock on the hospital room door. "Come in."

We go in and there this 31 year old woman holding her baby sobbing. We ask if she'd like some more time alone with the baby. She says yes. We tell her just to let the nurses know when she is ready for us to come back in.

So we sit and we wait. About 20-30 LONG minutes later the nurse come and tell us that she is ready for us to come in.

We walk in to the room and proceed to talk with her for about and hour and a half. The whole time the baby is there with us. He is a very handsome baby. Of course we couldn't really tell you much about what he looked like. It is very odd to meet someone for the sole purpose of maybe becoming the parents of their child. Do you look at the baby? How interested should you act in the baby? In her?? You don't want it to seem as though you might run out of the room at any moment with the baby but don't want to seem indifferent either. She asked me if I wanted to hold the baby...what kind of a question is that? Of course I wanted to hold the baby. And stare at the baby. But I can't. I have to remain neutral. We cannot seem too desperate and at the same time have to be respectful of her and her feelings. Of course the baby cries almost the entire time I am holding him.

Because she had given birth early and not completed her paperwork she had already spent 2 days with the baby.

Toward the end of our visit one of her friends comes in. She has been telling us about him and how he has been helping her "get her life together". Oh yes, she is a stripper. Also, she has no home. At that time she actually was living with a girlfriend and helping take care of her little girl...at budgetsuites.com.

Her friend tells us how sorry he is to interrupt and explains how he was supposed to arrive before we got there (yet we had already been there for about an hour-and she knew what time we were coming). "I just pawned a whole bunch of shit and I've got about 20 thousand dollars so you don't have to give away your baby." And then, once again, apologizes to us profusely.

I offered to give them some time to speak alone. He declines, but she says okay so we go out and wait once again.

Eventually the social workers from the hospital come out an tell us that she is just not ready to make a decision.

Very obviously we did not end up adopting this baby. It just wasn't meant to be. That baby was not our baby.

As that day went on we exchanged multiple phone calls with the adoption agency waiting to see if she had made any decisions. They told us the baby was to stay another day and she may make a choice during that time but for us not to plan on it. Just to go on about our lives.

Oh, okay...so I don't need to begin my maternity leave tomorrow.

What a huge emotional roller coaster.

These are the risks you expose yourself to when adopting. The solace we were given is that at least we didn't go through the birth mother's pregnancy getting to know her and supporting her emotionally and financially for her to ultimately decide to parent the child...because that can happen too.

As I said earlier, Lori could still make that choice. I suppose it could be compared to a mother having a miscarriage during her pregnancy.


We don't think that will happen. We believe that Lori is making these choices for all of the right reasons. She wants to build the strongest relationship possible with us for the benefit of the baby.

We are enjoying getting to know her and find her to be a very sweet and savvy young lady. We will travel to meet her in person November the 8th and 9th. We are even considering inviting her to spend Thanksgiving with us so she can see the life the baby will have and give her a chance to meet our families (perhaps we should hire some actors). Just kidding. Lots of our family read this. We love them and know they love us too. We are very thankful for the unending support we have received from them. We truly would not be able to do this without them.

Oh yes, today was the day. Lori had her ultra sound...IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!